Understanding fellow intactivists

If you've been following my posts for at least a year now, or have read my older posts starting with January 2018, you know that I've become heavily involved with the intactivism movement.  So much so that I became an admin of some intactivism groups on Facebook, became a supporting systems administrator of various intactivism websites, did some demonstrations with the Bloodstained Men as well as solo, been involved in the promotion of the documentary American Circumcision, started a petition for my own state which was copied for California and launched a new website: www.genitalautonomysociety.org

Wow!  Now that I wrote that down, I realize how busy I've been!  And, there's more I could add to the list.

I've been somewhat frustrated by the splintered set of intactivism groups.  However, I have come to understand why it is the way it is.

There's the "gentle education" group (i.e. Your Whole Baby), the "gotta get in people's faces" intactivists, the angry victims of genital mutilation (i.e. Bloodstained Men) and then the hurting victims of genital mutilation.

Not all members of one of these groups are likely to understand the perspective of members of other groups.  Most often, I've found that people that are in one group are rarely involved in the others.  I've been lucky enough to continue involvement with all of them.

The "gentle education" group wants to avoid chasing people away.  They want to keep people engaged in the discussion, even if they continue to promote genital mutilation (they'll call it things like "circumcision").  And, I understand this, as I will continue to hold onto hope that they will eventually get it.

I'm just going to explain the other end of the spectrum as everything in-between is explained by the two ends.

Most every victim of genital mutilation, that I have spoken with, had part of their natural genitalia cut away at infancy.  Like me, they did not learn about what was taken away from them until adulthood when they could fully understand and grasp it.  Once I started learning about the procedure that was performed on me, I immediately jumped into the first stage of grief (denial).  Luckily, this stage wasn't so strong in me that I insisted that my son get the same procedure done to him.  However, I still thought "there absolutely must be a good reason for it."  It's the second stage, though, that I think puts many at the other end of the spectrum (anger).

I'm an introvert, thus, I process most of my feelings internally.  Sometimes they show up in some of the things I say and do when interacting with others, and, that has gotten my wrist slapped a few times by the "gentle educators."  However, I've met some that are clearly extroverted and give no apologies for their expressions of anger.  While I believe that people need to see this anger to really get that there are people that are hurt by genital mutilations, I personally look for ways to express it without attacking people.  However, there's an inherent challenge:  when victims see people insisting that it's best for their child to have the procedure done, it's as if it was going to be done to them all over again.  Imagine the worst injustice that has ever been done to you; now, imagine someone saying they're going to do that same thing to another person; ya, that's what it feels like.

What is difficult for the hurting victims to see is that these parents genuinely think they are doing what is best and they simply do not understand what intactivists understand.  It makes me think of what Jesus said "...for they do not know what they are doing."

If you've taken care of children, and have had a case where you accidentally hurt them, broke their toy or something along those lines, you probably know that you can apologize to them but they will still try to lash out at you.  I've seen this sort of behavior between regret parents and intactivists that are hurting victims.  With children, you can often get them to move forward from anger to bargaining by offering to replace the toy or making them a cake.  However, in the case of genital mutilation, there's not much you can do; it's not a toy that can be replaced.

What you may be able to do:

• Start by not getting defensive.
• Empathize or sympathize with their feelings.
• Apologize (as if you were the one that made the decision their parents made).
• If you want to help them forward into the next step of grief, try bargaining with them by committing to speak out for the next generation.

This can be done during intactivist activities as well.  When you encounter a fellow intactivist bashing someone, leverage it rather than attempt to counter it.  While addressing the person that is being attacked by the intactivist, empathize with the intactivist and the person being attacked at the same time.  I compare this to the good-cop/bad-cop approach often seen in cop shows.

Sometimes, the hurting victims hit the depression stage and we end up losing them from the movement.  Jonathon Conte is the most notable of intactivists lost to depression, as he committed suicide.  I worry about my fellow intactivists, hoping that no more will go the same way.

This leads to a double-edged sword.  The more I educate fellow victims of the harm that was done to them, the more individuals that will go through the same grief process.  However, not educating leads to the continuation of a harmful practice.